My mind likes to organize and categorize things, and so lately it’s been classifying different types of facebook users. Just like real life people, everyone has their quirks when it comes to using social media, not to mention the wide variety of habits that become evident through social media. Next time you add a new friend on facebook, whip out this guide and judge them. Hard.
The Ninja There’s always that one friend who never seems to use facebook, until something very specific comes up and they spring out of hiding. Ninjas also seem to like attacking people with the “like” button rather than comments because somehow it is more impersonal and a further range of combat. Otherwise, ninjas often go undetected with very little signs of life on their facebook wall.
The Omnisciently Omnipresent These people have facebook as a full time occupation, even when they are doing business in the restroom. They always have something to say about everything that they see, and the must make their opinion known within 36.8 seconds of something being posted. These people are well conditioned to make a virtual beeline to facebook whenever they press the power button on their computer. They also often dig up things from the past, never letting anyone forget anything that has happened.
The Gamer Most gamers probably don’t even realize that they can add friends on facebook. However, they are well aware of pests within facebook’s system, and spend all their time moving their mice to hunt some virtual ones. Or maybe they’ve been so deprived of country music that they use technology to run a farm. Gamers are easily characterized by the colorful, game-related news streaming down their wall, as well as constantly inviting you to grow corn with them in their barn. Yes, quite corny indeed.
The Celebrity These (virtual) celebrities have a friend count that is over nine-thousand whether they have that many friends in real life or not. Whatever they seem to post, they always get over a hundred likes and some sort of political debate in the comments. Too popular.
The Autobiography Documenter Your bedroom is 15.6 degrees celsius and 60.1 degrees fahrenheit. Amazing. You needed to give both measurements because you have friends worldwide as well as in the United States. These people document in photos, videos, and tags to make sure that their whole web wide world knows that they just killed a spider. You know, if one of these people ever become as popular as the virtual celebrity, maybe they can just export their facebook profile and sell it as an electronic book.
The Troll Occasionally trolls will have an omnipresent trait to them, but most of the time they show their heads just to mess with you. In fact, the horror is that sometimes their comment will get more likes than your post itself. Trolls have nothing accurate on their profiles, making the unsuspecting believe that their political views are in fact in Sarah Palin.
The Super Ninja These are similar to Ninjas, only more advanced in their craft. Most of the time you won’t even be able to find these people. Super ninjas have Facebook accounts that are only active for 1% of the time, only to enter virtual social hiding the other 99% of the time. Occasionally, super ninjas will appear and like a random post, only to draw undesired attention in the form of wall posts exclaiming that they are back, only to disappear again within 3.9 seconds.
The Dead Dead Facebook users might as well have “terminated” plastered all over their wall. These people never respond to wall posts, facebook messages, or anything of the like. They also average a staggering 1.5 entries in their activity log each year. Dead Facebook users might as well be sent to the facebook graveyard. There’s a very appropriate nursery rhyme that goes with these types of users: “inactive user sat on a wall, inactive user had a great fall, all of facebook’s privacy settings didn’t care enough to put inactive user back together again.”